I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
