How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
