hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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