she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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