I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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