nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
