you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
