she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
BRING THE BAGELS
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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