I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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