Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
