im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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