woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
