dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
