i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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