She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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