My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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