this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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