and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
