Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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