It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
