my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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