i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
