Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
