I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
