does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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