Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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