If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
