Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
