good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
