This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
