it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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