ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
