I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
