So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
