Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
