He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
