Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
