Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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