Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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