she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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