Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
