Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
