His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
