So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
