What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
