just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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