I look better un-naked...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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