call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
