I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
