and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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