can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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