I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
