I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
