Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
