I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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